Pequeña estrella

“You… you worry me. You’ve thought about this. It’s measured. Beyond the depression, you’ve considered it. Almost calculating, weighing everything up. With you, this is existential”

And I have. When suicide first popped realistically into my head, in 2008, it was chilling. I was held transfixed, terrified. Even in 2012, I was frantic, scared, gripping friends and desperate. “I’m going to do it, I’m so scared, I’m going to do it”.

Eventually the fear fades. You’re left weighing your heart against a feather, seeing where on the scales you lie. Worthy or not. Life worth it, or not.

I’m now out of an immediate crisis point, out of what I now recognise was a dangerous ‘mixed’ episode. Both depressed and alert; despondent and electric. Still. I’m unconvinced. Unconvinced it’s worth it, unconvinced it’s worth it’s weight in effort and grit and grief. I’m holding off ultimate judgment. For now.


“It’s only in Spanish”

“That’s OK”. I sit next to my Carolina, my four year old niece. She holds the iPad, gazing transfixed. Singing in whispers to the video. I hold her, gazing, transfixed.

“Brilla, brilla, pequeña estrella
me pregunto como estas…”

And I hold her, gazing, transfixed.

And I know, like mountains know stone, that it’s all worth it. It’s worth the effort and the grit and the grief, all the grief. It’s worth sandpaper and ash and the daily grind. I hold her, gazing transfixed.

“en lo alto sobre el mundo
como un diamante en el cielo…”

Hold the feeling, gentle, close. Hold the feeling before it goes.

“Brilla, brilla, pequeña estrella
me pregunto como estas”

Before it’s gone.

 

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3 thoughts on “Pequeña estrella

  1. Pingback: Nothing hurts | Nervous Type

  2. Pingback: Fuck em | Explosions in Slow Motion

  3. Pingback: No time at all | Explosions in Slow Motion

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