Fuck it

Fuck it.

I’m gonna sit here, drinking, fuck it. Fuck the world and past promises to future me, fuck the future. The future I can’t even see. Fuck it. Fuck it all.

And this is me on a good day, these days.

The boys behind the bar in Ku are tight, fresh faced and fashionable. Bulges in all the right places, nice. That curve, where the shoulder meets the arm; creases longing to be licked. Shadows and highlights, biceps, triceps, taut.

Fuck them and their youth. I’m gonna sit here, drinking, getting older. Unshaven, wild hair, unkempt. Trainers falling off my feet and falling apart. Me, falling off my feet; falling apart. Today I’ve been to the gym, worked out my chest, worked up a sweat on the cross trainer. Sat now in a bar, downing pints. This sums up my life, pretty much, right now. Fucking metaphors.

I never did get this world, you know? I wonder who does, if anyone does. I’ve thought I understood it, like truths understood in dreams. Fairy gold only lasts until the dawn. I never did get this world, not really.

Work, buy, consume, die. Identity constructed through purchasing power, your clothes your music your hair your food, your choice of beverage, iPhone or Android, express your individuality through Habitat prints or posters from the market. We’re all fucking individuals.

I never got it.

Christ I’ve tried. I’ve tried to join in, but you know, I just don’t care. Fuck it. Scruffy hair and scratty trainers; I’m not making a statement I just honestly don’t notice, can’t be arsed. I don’t get this dumb fucking world we’ve built.

The boys behind the bar are firm and hard; fashionable. Clean cut and unblemished and you can imagine fucking them and it being a kind of perfection. And I want them and rage that I was never like them and now the moment’s passed, and I just sit here drinking, getting older.

And the guys in the clubs are all pumped and pumping, perfect and laughing. Jeans hanging just so, showing just enough arse to make you ache and hate yourself. Fuck them. Fuck them and their lives, I want them and I’m never going to be like them and i wish I didn’t care but fuck it, I do. But I never got this world.

Christ I’ve tried.

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