Ideal

Listening to Goldfrapp, it’s a sunny day outside. I tidied my room, finally recovered from yesterday’s hangover. Picked up discarded jeans and coins from the floor. The past few days haven’t been ideal.

Anna was down early last week, that was nice. We did the V&A and Southbank, Lazy food in the Troubadour. Speaking to her in Cafe Italia, me animated and bright, feeling my words rushing from my mouth. She caught the train and I walked through London, spreading my arms and my fingers, feeling the breeze breeze across my skin. Smiling at clouds and the big blue sky, I knew what it was but I didn’t want to care. Light, the world bright, enchanting. I knew what it was but I didn’t want to care.

And I’ve been fine. Not going off the rails, just fine, the world is fine. These past few weeks, I’ve been so fine.


I thought I still was. It’s hard to catch and sometimes you have to look around at what you’re doing. And the day after Anna left I wanted a day in. The past few days had been fun but tiring, and I needed to recharge my batteries. Had a lie in, spent the day with my iPad. Day turns into night, I’m still in my room, surrounded by crisp crumbs and a handful of prawn toast, a forgotten spring roll.

Sometimes, when you’re lying in bed in your pants, surrounded by fast food remains and the smell of grease and MSG, you have to admit you’re maybe not so fine any more. But what to do?

Lie in the next day too, despite trying to guilt yourself to getting out. Fret about the fact you’re meant to be back at uni next week. Worry you’re not ready, you’re not right yet. You’re not fine.

Well that’s what I did.


I’ve been trying to find where normal is. I’ve been trying to find that Goldilocks space between too high and too low. But I’m beginning to think, that for me, there might not be one.

I don’t know. I’ve only been watching myself like this for a few months, so maybe there’s more to come. Probably there is more to come. But maybe for me, what the drugs do it’s level me out, but make the highs less high and the lows less low; and maybe, for me, there is no inbetween. No normal.

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