Naked in front of the mirror

I’d been meaning to write a post about new year’s resolutions, because that’s the kind of thing people do. I was going to write about how you shouldn’t make a new year’s resolution to go to the gym, because that’s the kind of resolution people make and it’s a daft resolution to make. Don’t start at the gym in January, no one enjoys going to the gym in January.

Before I got ill last summer I went regularly. Illness resulted in sofas, in sleeping, in over eating and over drinking. Illness resulted in a belly which sagged and muscles which shrank. I started back at the gym in November, because that’s what you do. I also started the 5:2 diet. It’s working well.

Despite all that I’ve still been standing naked in front of the mirror, saddened and unhappy with the fat I’ve put on and the mass I’ve lost. I’ve still been frustrated with how much I let myself go and how my body is so far from perfect. I’ve been standing naked and unhappy in front of mirrors for years now. Like I say, it’s what I do.

Rubbing my cheeks and peering into my face, frustrated at this expanding psoriasis flare-up. First my eyebrows, then my eyelids, and now my nose and cheeks covered in fine flaking skin. And of course I look and when I look I see this receding hairline and advancing wrinkles, see how very far my body is from perfect. I look into my eyes and think how scrambled my mind is and how unfair it seems that others breeze so well through life while I’m forever tangled up in myself.

I’d been meaning to write a post about new year’s resolutions. So here it is:

In town last night, I caught sight of myself in a full length mirror. And I looked so young, and so vulnerable; eyes moist and lips so slightly trembling. My coat shifting as I breathed in, breathed out. Alive and standing in a world which was carrying on about me and which would eventually carry on without me, carry on carelessly if not unkindly.

I’m still going to carry on that the gym, and I’m going to stick with intermittent fasting since it seems a sensible way to eat. It’s just what I’m doing.

I’ll resolve, however, to worry less over what other people think and to care more about what people feel. To be a little more daring and a little more foolish, a little more alive.

And as for you – you do what you want. It’s your life.

Only, please be kind.



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