Screaming; I woke myself up screaming.

I never used to, this is new, new these past few months; this makes three times now I’ve woken myself up by screaming. Full on screaming.

I’m alone. Alone in the attic of an empty house, in the dark.

I’m afraid.

It wasn’t a nightmare I woke up from, not even a dream. Sometimes I wake up screaming, as if someone really is there, in the room, over me. I wake up screaming and in waking see there’s no one, I’m safe. The last two times, someone’s always called from the next room, concerned, am I ok, yes I’m ok. The last two times I lay back and felt daft, waited for my body to stop shuddering with heartbeats.

This time I woke with a scream, and I was alone, and no one called, and I was afraid. That silly childish fear that there are monsters in the dark, that there’s a cruel stranger standing over your bed. That chill between your shoulder blades. I told myself it was silly, told myself it was childish, and as I so often do I lay down wishing I slept beside someone.

I do wake in the night – or I do now, these past few months. And I’m dreaming a lot about Phil, probably because I’m thinking a lot about Phil, probably because I miss him so, so much. So I wake, and I think about him, and how I miss him so, so much.

I lay down wishing I had someone to hold and someone to briefly grieve with, again. Wishing I slept beside someone, who could spoon me and soothe me, assure me that I’m not alone and lie to me that I’m safe.


2 thoughts on “Safe

  1. Night terrors are horrible things and as you’ve already realised these are probably attached to your grief about losing Phil.

    Maybe having someone to talk to about this would help. I know someone who trains therapists in Sheffield. He may be able to help or find a good student who would be grateful for the chance to practice their skills (he runs a good course so they will probably be a pretty OK person).

    Alternatively find a lovely person to share a bed with and spoon for a few nights. That kind of skin hunger craving needs sating!

    Let me know if I can help

    *hugs* >

    • I could indeed do with someone to talk to – not necessarily about this, but last year involved a lot of unexpected upheaval and a few sessions with a counsellor would be helpful. Were I still in my old job I could get one easily but alas, while my living situation is stable and comfortable, I’m in debt and have no income, so it’ll have to remain a plan for the future.

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