Prologue II

I knew it was the paroxetine; I knew, but I didn’t want to admit that, because then the bliss could leave at any moment, the childlike and childish joy in my heart would be contingent on this daily capsule. I knew it was the paroxetine, but secretly hoped that I’d got plugged directly into the heart of God. That it would be as I felt; eternal, oceanic, forever and ever.

I’d started smoking again, a habit I’d kicked 4 years ago. But so fucking what? I shovelled pizza and party rings and squirty cream into my mouth because why the fuck not, it was delicious, the world was delicious. I spoke sometimes in rhyme, complex bouncing poetry that burst from my lips between giggles, glee at all I could do that I’d never thought to try before. Mind and soul and body a furious freezing waterfall, clear and bracing and utterly and utterly implacable.


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