CN: A whole load of suicide
I’ve sadly shifted from ‘mentally well, with occasional falls’ to ‘acutely unwell’, which is disheartening. And I’ve fallen swift, and far. I’m holding on to hope that it’s driven entirely by unemployment and money worries (missed a credit card payment last week, which fucks me over in so so many ways) – so when a job and income finally appears, I’ll regain my balance.
I just had a ‘sobbing at the laptop’ episode, followed by me scribbling down the pros and cons of suicide; which I’m sharing with all you strangers on the Internet, because I can’t afford therapy.
It ends well. Buddha came to the rescue, I think.
Reasons to kill myself
– No future, probably poverty, homelessness, joblessness
– All my ambitions have been pulverised
– All the promise I ever held has been utterly wasted by my own incompetence and stupidity
– No reason to suppose this will get any better
– My life is a wreak and isn’t going to get any better
– IT HURTS. MY SOUL HURTS
Reasons to stay alive
– The kids
– Killing myself would probably kill mum and dad from heartbreak
– Would forever stain many people’s lives
– While you alive you can do good. You can be kind. You can live with compassion and work to improve the world, to enrich the lives of other people and other beings. If you’re removed from the world you can’t do ANY of these things, and killing yourself would cause profound pain.
– Look at it. All your reasons for killing yourself are centred on yourself; your reasons for staying alive centred on other people. Life holds no meaning only so long as we seek only to find meaning in our own small selves. Meaning and purpose arise from connection with others, with the world. We become fully human and fully alive only when we let go of ourselves.
– You have been through SHIT. It has been FUCKING HORRIBLE. And it might only keep on getting worse. GROW FROM THIS. Have you any idea how strong you have to be to weather these storms? YOU ARE STILL LIVING. It’s EASY to be content when life is fine, there’s no wisdom or skill in it. The challenge – YOUR challenge – is to be content after your aspirations have been pulverised, your hopes dashed, your life turned upside down and everything you ever worked for, lost. FIND PEACE AS YOUR WORLD FALLS. If you can do that – learn to do that, work towards doing that – you will grow wiser and stronger than you can possibly now imagine, and in doing so will be able to live and kind life so full of compassion that you help innumerable people, and relieve so much suffering in this world.