After my November psychedelics session led to such a rapid and profound positive change in me, I resolved to take a session once every 2-3 months for a year. I did this because I’m aware the research indicates that relapses sometimes occur 3-6 months in, and indeed, after failing to follow through on my plan, I relapsed about 6 months later.
Fortunately, while it was a vicious and dangerous fall, after 6 weeks it resolved as quickly as it had arrived. While being able to climb out of the hole myself (somehow?) was an excellent lesson in how far I’ve come, the experience did drive home to me that I’d possibly become a little negligent in looking after my psyche. I re-committed to sourcing some psychedelic mushrooms and having another session.
Brilliantly, this time I found a friend willing to sit with me for the experience. Having a sitter meant I was much more comfortable completely letting myself go. While ultimately I don’t think the dose was as high as I’d hoped (consistency is always going to be a problem with organics), it was still a very moving experience, and worthwhile. I won’t be leaving it so long next time and hopefully relapses are now something in the past.
Here is the trip…
At the boiling edge of the Big Bang
At first, the garden. Unfurling and unfolding, up and out and embracing, green and purple and the gold of dawn. At first the garden, embracing. It’s beautiful, and sacred.
At first, the garden. At first the dawn, singing, and the light is gold – oh, oh the light! The light is gold, can you see? Can you see the joy the splendour, the wonder, can you…
into the roots, into the earth, into the aching unspeaking earth; into the cool and the dark and the secret spaces inbetween, the well of all our sorrows, the source of all
a g o n y and
Oh can you see the first light of dawn! The pale horizon, the dark and the joy and the water earth and sky, and these deep roots and sorrow, the heartache, and
Oh, the dawn! Oh the clear gold dawn, the joy of dawn, sacred gift of dawn, and the garden, at first, at first the garden.
After the garden, the ocean, the beauty, oh the infinite swell of beauty, of sorrow and pain and love, oh the fall and rise, drowning in the embrace and release of agonising beauty. Fathomless and silent, heartbreaking and healing, incomprehensible, I let go, I let go, let go and fall into grace, into agony, into grace.
And I am stars spread out across the galaxy, I am galaxies spread out across the universe, like grains of sand in the fathomless deep, I am, am no more, Sprawled on this bed this body, us all of us, all us bodies and stars and sand, dancing slow and furious at the boiling edge of the Big Bang, all, everything, oh oh oh everything, can you see, oh can you see the stardust, the all, the love the goddamn furious LOVE of it all, burning into sorrow and grief and the goddamn LOVE of it all, oh tell me can you see, can you see what this Universe is, what we are, the howling glory of the real?
The goddamn furious LOVE of it all, powerful as root through rock as ice breaking stone, relentless, the tree of life cracking open the deep earth ascending unstoppable to the endless sky, surging, the goddamn furious LOVE of it all, holding me, mum holding me, a young woman, long hair, fresh faced, I curl up on the bed and curl up in her arms and relentless, furious LOVE surges forth, upward forever upward and and oh no, no no and oh no, mum falling away, time takes all from us in the end, mum falling away into the fathomless black below and I am dragged relentlessly on and
H O W L, I
claw at my eyes, clutch my chest, rock, no no no, not this not this relentless, unstoppable force, the boiling edge of the Big Bang taking me forever further from her, from the people I love, lost to the dark and the fathomless deep and me dragged on up and onward into the endless sky, this sheer fury of love and heartache, the agony of grace, the sheer unstoppable beauty of it all,
Nothing is ever lost.
All we have is this moment, all we are is this moment, this boiling fury at the edge of the Big Bang, nothing is ever created or destroyed, but all is in constant transformation; and underlying it all is this love, this torrential ecstasy of love, no thing is ever lost
H O W L
in agony and understanding, stripped of my skin and my breath and everything I thought was my soul, I fall away, into the fathomless black, and eternity surges on, relentless, at the boiling edge of the Big Bang.
And it’s so simple, so bright and starry-eyed simple, I laugh, and the laughter is rain on water.
Sit up, pull off the eye mask and headphones. My sitter looks up, smiles
‘I think… lets go look at the stars’
I don’t move. Sit on the edge of the bed, staring into infinitely colliding space.
‘It’s… I wish…’
I want to tell him I wish he could feel how I feel, wish he could know, know at a fundamental and wordless level how much relentless love infuses the structure of reality, but I know the words will be hopeless, meaningless, overblown and cheap. My hands dance in front of me, trying to grasp the meaning which infuses the world. I wish you knew what a glory it is to be alive.
‘You… me… all of it, everything… we live thinking we exist, we’re seperate… we need to, to survive as animals, to make this delusion that there’s this me, and once there’s a me there’s a mine, there’s grasping, there’s fear, gain and loss, we put up walls, but none of it… it’s a delusion, we’re all part of the same… there’s no me and you and this and that it’s all, we’re all… but it’s not right to say part of the same thing, there’s no parts, there’s no thing… it just is… it just…’ my hands flap, fail to grasp the meaning infusing all creation. I sigh, stare into infinitely colliding space.
‘You can’t pour the Universe into words’
We leave the room to go outside, lie in the dewy grass and gaze up at the soft velvet midsummer sky; the Universe gazes back.
‘Hello you. Hello me’
The air hangs heavy with the night flowers of the garden, green and purple and gold; out here at the boiling edge of the Big Bang.
Notes on music:
Because I arranged the playlist myself, I can point to the peices of music which induced the component parts of this trip. They are:
…at first, the garden: Henryk Górecki – Symphony number 3
…the ocean: Greg Haines – 183 Times
…and I am stars: Moby – God Moving on the Face of the Waters
…the goddamn furious LOVE of it all: Greg Haines – So it Goes