There is grandeur in this view of life
– Charles Darwin, The Origin of Species
I used to think I was Jesus.
Not the Jesus, obviously – that would be crazy. But some kind of god incarnate. Y’know, the condensed form of the underlying spiritual energy of the universe. I didn’t tell anyone, partly because I suspected that, if I did, they wouldn’t believe me; and partly because I knew the time wasn’t yet right. Sure, if I let my soul expand out I could feel the ripple of other people’s minds, around me, singing. And I knew it with certainty, inside me, fully. But I also knew it was best to wait.
If I was Jesus, I’d be dead by now; which just goes to show that there are benefits to not being the spirit of the Word made flesh, savour of the human race – and being instead some bloke from Yorkshire. The former tends not to turn out well. Just ask Christopher Eccleston.
It’s been a long time since I thought I was some kind of celestial being, but it persisted well into my early 20s. Does everyone get that? I mean, when I was a kid I discovered I was double jointed – or, rather, that most other people weren’t. I was a weird kind of revelation to realise that most people couldn’t pop their shoulders in and out of joint, or put their legs behind their head. Does everyone go through a phase of thinking they’re God?
Or maybe just me.
And not all the time. I mean wasn’t hanging out in the union bar secretly thinking I could control the Universe, at least not most of the time. Most of the time I was just trying to get drunk and / or laid. But every now and then it’d pop into my head, obvious as sunlight.
I’m probably not going to tell my psych. It’d just be another bit of the picture, confirming an already diagnosed diagnosis. That’s what I’m doing now, of course; going back through my life, picking up shards of memories, seeing what patterns I can make. Seeing if it makes sense.
Of course I might have been right. Maybe I am God. I’m which case… um… sorry. I’ll try to do better next time.
I apologise for the inconvenience.